Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Completely Exposed....

What I am about to share with you all is both embarrassing and painful for me, although I hide it every single day of my life!

On Monday, I had a breakdown. It's like every other one that has come before it....I wish they'd go away!

While I am certain, some of you may read this and think I'm sharing it to get attention, that is not my intention. I want to share it, to let others out there know they are not alone! I know that my flaws aren't as noticeable as others, but I see them none-the-less!

I am a "wanna be" model! I would say that I am a model, but I am currently not active (meaning that I am not being HIRED as a model for anything). Why do I model? First and foremost, because I am an artist through and through. I love ALL things art, and I love creating art. Most of the modeling I do is an outlet for that very purpose. The other reason I model is to get attention.

I feel like there is something wrong with me mentally! I am told otherwise, but I try to look pretty to be told that I am pretty.....because the deep truth is that I think I am hideous!

When I look in the mirror, I see scars on my face and wrinkles in my forehead that are so ugly that it makes me cry. I worry that when Camilla gets older she will be embarrassed to be seen with me. I don't understand how my own husband can be seen in public with me? I don't just shed a few tears, it is a sobbing cry that I cannot control. I am cursed with thin, pale skin, so every little vein in my face shows; I've locked my door at work, someone thought I had a black eye because of the little blue veins that are so OBVIOUSLY visible.

Wayne has put up with these breakdowns for years; we went to a few cosmetic surgeons to see about what can be done to decrease the scarring on my face. We cannot afford the procedures. While I plaster make-up on my face when we go out, I mostly avoid cameras. Yes, I have photoshop on my computer just to smooth out the dimples on my face. I LONG for skin that doesn't look like some country road-full of pot holes and discoloration.

I've tried all sorts of creams/natural remedies/home scrubs....I have sensitive skin, and everything screws it up. There is NO amount of water I can drink to give me beautiful, glowing skin. WHAT is wrong with me? I hate looking in a mirror. I avoid it whenever possible. That is why you see me with my hair pulled back in a ponytail holder all the time. I don't need a mirror to fix my hair; just that damned rubber band. No mirrors means no make-up. I hate make-up.....

I need help!  :(

While I understand and believe I am beautiful on the inside, it still goes without saying that my face IS in fact a wreck. I look worse than most 40 year old women I know, and I am only 34. I don't want to look 20; I just want to look normal. I am tired of being depressed and hiding this pain from the world.

NO-society hasn't beat this into my head. It's the stares and strange looks from others. It's the taunting and whispers that I used to hear in school. People are, in fact, hateful when they think you can't hear. It makes me so sad that little children have touched my cheeks and asked me "what happened" to my face. If a child can see it, and knows that it's not normal looking, then it's THAT noticeable to everyone!  :(

3 comments:

Jacklyn said...

Oh sweetie!? Please do not beat yourself up so bad. All of go through so much that deals with our bodies. You are such a beautiful woman inside and OUT. I, too, have scars and other things which I will never be able to "hide" or "fix" all the flaws I know and believe to have well, because, they just cost darn too much to even think about fixing! I feel your pain and understand it. You know me and know all the changes my body has gone through this past 10 years. I love you and you are so inspiring on how you show your beauty. Whether its your modeling, painting, writing, ect. >HUGS<

Confessions of an Insomniac said...

Woman, give yourself a break!! You are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Most people would kill to have half your looks. Your body is amazing! We all have our insecurities, but the truth is no matter how beautiful a person is outside, it is what is on the inside that matters most. Beauty radiates from the soul, and that is all I see in you :)

No matter how much you cover up the real you with makeup, you have to make up your mind to love who you are. If you love yourself, the rest of the world can't help but to love you too. What you are calling "flaws" are not considered such to other people. You are unique and beautiful. If you looked like everyone else out there, you would not shine with such awesomeness. Give yourself more credit, Angela. I agree with Jackie. You are beautiful from the inside out.

And, truth be told, every woman, no matter how perfect you think she is, has an insecurity in the way she looks as she ages. This is normal.

And, for the record, Camilla will never think her mommy is ugly, silly girl! She will be proud to show you off to all her friends. She might hide you from the boys, though :)

Senor Granto said...

I have scars too, though they are not readily visible in my pics. All women think like you do at some point though and honestly, it doesn't matter to those who truly care about you like your family.