Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Normally, the opportunity to buy shoes would excite me beyond words. Today, as I walked into the store, I had 2 objectives, but the thought of buying pretty things just made my stomach turn.

My grandfather is dying. I can't say it out loud; he's hanging on by a thread of silk, and no one's sure why he's still here. Over the past few weeks, his appetite has decreased, and in the last week, it's basically non-existent. Several years ago, doctors found a brain tumor that turned out to be cancer. He went through his treatments like a trooper.....things seemed to get better.

What is that expression about the calm before a storm?

Flash grandfather has been in and out of the hospital. A few weeks ago, he told my grandmother that he was "ready". And as of this morning, he is still "the same", as Daddy updates me. This means that he's sleeping mostly, not eating anything....he's just being, existing, waiting.

I walked into the store, looking for either a pretty black sash with white polka dots, or I was going to have to buy a pair of simple, black flats. I already have my outfit ready to go. All of the grandchildren have been asked to be pallbearers (I'm assuming that the girls will follow beside or behind....not sure how that works, especially since there are around 10 of us) We've also been asked to wear black and white, nothing fancy, but that it be black and white.

I have this white dress blouse that has a large belt/sash that goes around (kind of like something with an empire-waist), and a simple black pencil skirt. I'd decided that I was going to find the polka dot sash to match a pair of black and white, polka dot ballerina flats I have. I'd wear this sash in place of the belt that came with my top, but now, I will just wear a plain black sash. My hair down, in it's normal 1930's finger-curls style, with a barrette on one side. I'll wear single pearl earrings and a simple necklace.

No sash at the store.....nothing with polka dots. I headed to the shoes, where I found the above. I love the shoes; I don't love why I had to buy them.

I haven't lost a family member since I was 17, when my granny passed. I would have thought that being with Wayne, and seeing his pain losing loved ones would have somewhat prepared me; nope, not in the slightest. That whole thing about "it's for the best", and "they won't be suffering anymore".....well, yes, but right now, right now while he's "stuck" in between....what's going on with that?!!? I can only pray every minute that he isn't suffering. I pray for my grandmother too, because I know that every breath he's taking, is breaking her heart. I truly believe they are soul mates, and I know that it's paining her to see him in this condition. I think it's more painful, though, to know she's losing her soul mate, and that makes it very hard for me to breathe!


Confessions of an Insomniac said...

Angela, I am so sorry about your grandfather. I know that is hard :(

Anonymous said...

I've lost more peoplr to cancer than anything, death is very demoralizing and never comes easy to me either.